Children Instead of Pugilists.

This one might get Mossad after me.....or maybe I'll get a kick-ass fatwa against me. That would be kick-ass.

Diplomacy was once the arena of gentlemen. One could go into the diplomatic service with hopes of helping their country, perhaps even helping the world. Former aristocrats with ties all over the world used those ties and their considerable influence to shape the way nations interacted with each other.

Charles Maurice de Talleyrand, despite his many flaws, kept France from being torn apart and pillaged after Napoleons defeat at Waterloo. John Adams helped build the United States through diplomatic talks with European nations. He also had a hand in the Declaration of Independance and in convincing a number of the original British colonies to join the American revolution.

My oh my, how things have changed.

Instead of discussion, rebuttal and eventually resolving an issue, a new tactic of "I'm taking my ball and going home" seems to have taken over.

This week, the U.N. hosted a summit on racism. As a way of getting off to a bad start, the United States, Canada, Austria, New Zealand, Italy, Germany, Poland and the Netherlands all stated they would not attend. Their concern is that the summit would be dominated by unfair criticism of Israel and its policies toward Palestinians.

During a speech by Irans president, several more delegates left.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not here to defend the quite mad president of Iran. However,I've also got beef with some Israeli policies. That is not the point of this little rant though.

My argument is with those countries who were too sensitive or too weak stomached to sit through a propaganda speech by a a man who is essentially second in command in the country he's president of.

Since when is the best response to lies and fabrication, to give the man the floor and offer no response to his slinging of bullshit? Would you do that in your life? If someone was taking shots at your mother, would you leave the room and say nothing, or would you call them on it?

Screw that, the western world is taking their ball and going home.

I've got an idea why this kind of thing goes uncontested. Everyone's got dirty laundry and nobody wants it aired in public. Think about it. Does the U.S. really want to sit and have a frank discussion on racism in the world? Do you think everyone would just pass over that whole slavery thing? Would anybody mention how fun it is going through a western airport if you're brown or wearing a turban?

Not to pick on the U.S., there are plenty of other countries in the same boat. I wonder if anyone would mention the fact that Canadas first nations people have lower life expectancy and a greater level of poverty than other canadians? Hey, how about that Dutch MP Geert Wilders whose hobbies include making anti-islam hate films? Isn't that cute.

Someone's got to take the lead on this kind of thing. The Americans elected a black president for christs sake, but they can't stand up and mention that, because they're too afraid of getting a black mark from something else they've done. Nobody is willing to get into an honest discussion on the issue because there is not a country in the world that isn't guilty.

The word "hijacked" has been thrown around in reference to this summit and the pres. of Iran. Is it really a hijacking if the crew of the ship jumps overboard at the first sign of trouble? No it's abandonment.

The worlds leaders say they want to fight racism but they should know that in any fight, you're likely to take a few on the jaw before you win.

Take your lumps, then you can gloat like a champ if you win. Instead of only betting on a sure thing.

Unhappy Hour.

This piece is something I wrote on my facebook page a while ago. I fired it off in a rage after the Alberta government put in place new rules about liquor pricing and sales in bars. I was angry and after writing it, sent a copy to the Premiers office.

I've since had a few people ask me to post it on here. Here it is, back by popular demand.......or at least one demand.

Unhappy hour.

Ed Stelmach is not my mother. My mother is far smarter and way better looking (Just ask my friends, they make several jokes about this on a regular basis). However it would seem that Ed disagrees with me.

For those of you wondering what I'm talking about, let me explain. Starting Aug. 1st, the province of Alberta will be introducing minimum drink prices at all bars. That's not all, they're also regulating the length of "Happy Hour" across the province, as well as limiting the number of drinks you can purchase after 1am.

It is said this is being done in order to curb "binge drinking" (4 or more drinks in 2 hrs or less) and violence outside of bars. I have several problems with this.

1.) I'm sorry Ed, it's none of your god damned business how much I choose to drink. Unless I'm causing a problem, which I never have, you have no right telling me how much I can or can't have. That's why bars aren't supposed to continue serving people who are obviously to twisted to control themselves. If bars aren't doing their job, that's not my fault. Fine the bars.

2.) If binge drinking is defined as having 4 or more drinks in 2 hours, then I binge drink every time I'm on a golf course, playing baseball, trying to beat the summer heat, reading alone in my apartment, struggling through a bad date, or having/attending a birthday party. Are you gonna police the golf course Ed?

3.) Regardless of how much you drink, some people are just assholes. I don't care if they've had 2 drinks or 52, some meat heads, or lady meat heads, are gonna wanna fight a total stranger for stepping on their shoes or looking at their significant other. We don't legislate against stupidity or aggressiveness do we?

4.) This will not stop binge drinking, it will only stop people with limited money from binge drinking. To tell you the truth, most people that go out and put away two bottles of rye in 6 hours, have the money to do it and don't really give a shit if their drinks are an extra buck or two. Most of the people I've been out with on "cheap drink nights" are out that night because otherwise they couldn't afford to go out, not because they're drinking more than usual. Who's more likely to cause trouble, the guy with $40 to spend at the bar, or the guy who spends $300 and then picks up and eight-ball for an extra $160? Price isn't the problem, people are.

5.) I drink swill. When you find something incredibly cheap at the bar/liquor store and wonder, "who in gods name drinks this piss?" the answer is Rory McNally. Why should I have to pay extra for D grade wood alcohol just because random morons can't handle their liquor or like to fight. This is a license for bars to serve cheap garbage and not have to lower their prices, because they're not allowed to.

That's it. This is my cause. Some people choose the environment, others choose peace protests. This is the kind of thing I can not stand. If it makes you as nuts as it does me, give my mother Ed a shout at (780) 427 2251. Or send him an e-mail through the following web page. You better believe I sent him this whole thing.

http://premier.alberta.ca/contact/

By the way Ed, I just picked up a 6 pack for under 8 dollars, and I'm gonna polish it in about 2 hours tops. That's two for two, better send the cops, I'm your prime target.

Natural Selection Working Double Time.

Colour me a cold hearted bastard but I'm rooting for the bear.

This won't be long but it will certainly be heartfelt.

Anyone dumb enough to put themself in this situation deserves what mother nature dishes out. I see this as a good sign for two reasons.

Polar bear habitats and numbers are both shrinking. They're having difficulty reaching their usual food sources due to melting sea ice and other climate concerns. This is a shame as I find polar bears to be one of the coolest animals on this rock we call home.

Meanwhile, the population and habitats of fat, stupid tourists seem to be ballooning to unheard of numbers. If you were to put together all the overused couches, recliners and futons in the world, I am quite certain the square mileage would dwarf that of sea ice in the north.

I'm of the opinion that this is not a random act of stupidity or animal v. dumb-ass violence. I believe this is science at work. This friends, is natural selection at it's finest. No longer able to find or catch the seals required to feed them, Polar Bears have found new places to live and a new food source to sustain them.

Think about the tiny polar bear cub, from another german zoo, that was in the news a year or two ago. It was the biggest draw at the zoo. It was the cutest animal anyone had ever seen. Everyone wanted to cuddle with little Knut, the worlds most swoon inspiring born killer.

Now skip ahead to this week. A tourist voluntarily hops into the Polar Bear enclosure. If she was looking for a cuddle or a photo op, no one seems to know. However, she WILLINGLY JUMPED INTO A CLOSED PEN WITH A GOD DAMNED BEAR.

We've been duped by bears. It's come to this. Man, the great shaved ape, has become so dumb and sure of our own superiority that we can be tricked by a fucking bear.

"Look at me, I'm a cute cuddly 1500 pound carnivore. In fact, I'm the largest land carnivore on the planet. Don't you want to kiss my nose?"

CHOMP!!!

Have we really sunk this low? I understand if someone is stalked, hunted and killed by a wild beast. That's what they do, it's their lot in life. Those are the things they're good at. The difference is, they are taking over what WE are supposed to be good at. Man defeated the beast by building traps, setting ambushes and generally out thinking those creatures which were bigger and more deadly than we were.

Now we appear to be losing that ability.

The bigger, stronger, meaner and more deadly animals are also apparently smarter than some of us and all it took was looking like a plush toy.............with bear teeth.

Death to the stupid!!

Viva la Polar Bear!!

Thanks for the weed, what are the cuffs for?

That's it. I've had it. Fed up, pissed off, criminalized and marginalized.

Would all y'all get a load of this bullshit.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/calgary/story/2009/03/27/cgy-rcmp-recruit-drugs-hiring.html

For those of you too busy, lazy, distracted or illiterate to read the whole thing, here's the jist of the story.

The RCMP, in an effort to increase applications to join, has decided to give itself the ability to ignore "minor criminal infractions" of those who apply. The article specifically mentions drug related charges such as "posession, cultivation and trafficking marijuanna".

Pardon me while I dip my head in a bucket of ice and listen to the steam snap and sizzle.

Now, I don't really know much french but pardon mine anyway. Are you fucking kidding me?!

Let me lay this out for you folks. My name is Rory, I've smoked marijuanna. I also hold a steady job, donate blood, and open doors for little old ladies. However because of my vice of choice, I am a criminal, I'm forced to associate with criminals, I have the stigma of being a slacker, stoner, loser. If I'm caught, I could be looking at jail time, difficulty travelling outside the country and trouble finding gainful employment with my new criminal record.

Now, let's try this again but with a few slight changes. My name is Rory, I've SOLD marijuanna along with god knows what else AND been caught doing it. In order to get my hands on enough grass to actually sell, I not only have to associate with criminals, but in many cases could end up owing them money. I have no stigma attached to me this time though, because I also want to be a cop.

We'll call the first person here Rory#1 and the second Rory#2.

If you really want to get your brain warped keep reading.

After Rory#2 has had his "past indiscressions" ignored he's put on the streets with a badge and a gun. He is now obligated to ARREST Rory#1 for doing something he was doing only a short time ago. Does this make sense to anyone?! ANYONE?! I beg you, write me a letter, tell me how this possibly makes sense.

I'll even take it further. If you can tell me how this shit makes sense I will suck your dick. I'm a straight man, I like chicks, but I'm so sure that this could not make rational sense to anyone that I'm putting this offer on the table...............maybe the wrong choice of words.

So now the score is this. If you want to be a cop at some point in your life, smoke, smoke, smoke motherfucker. You can even sell or grow. The life of an RCMP officer is an Eden of previous drug use and taser gunslinging.

However, if you have no interest in being a peace officer, you have no right to choose what goes in your body, no reason to expect "youthful indiscretions" to be seen as just that.

Cops who have enjoyed marijuanna in the past are legally obligated to arrest those who enjoy the same thing. I, ladies and gentlemen, refuse. If I were ever to be arrested and charged with posession, my first question to the arresting officer would be, "have you ever imbibed sir?".

No man who enjoys the same vices as I do has any right to arrest me for such vices. Anyone who tries is a tyrant and will see gasoline filled whiskey bottles arcing through the air before he succeeds.

They've almost legalized drug use for future RCMP officers, they simply don't think the rest of us are worthy of the same forgiveness or able to make the same decisions about what we put in our bodies. If it's such a tame drug, that it doesn't matter if cops have had it before, why do we spend millions if not billions of dollars trying to keep it away from people?

Calling all reasonable people! Write a letter, send a text, whatever you do, do it now. This shit makes me bonkers.

The Truest of Religions.

I have found my calling. I know the path I must take. To quote John Belushi, "YES! YES! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!!! I have seen the light!!!"

Some folks believe that you can't really seek out the purpose in your life, they feel it will find you. If this is the case, then I have been touched by the lord.........Jughead.

I've always believed you can categorize most people by what Archie character they resemble. You've got some good guys, who are whitebread to the max and and for some reason are incredibly popular. These are your Archies. You might not understand what eveyone else sees but god-damn, can that dirty ginger kid get down with Riverdales finest women.

Speaking of those finest women......tell me any low maintenance, stunning blonde in a baseball cap doesn't remind you of Betty. I dare you. That pretty, easy going gal who's just as happy on your ball team as she would be at the mall.

Of course, I couldn't forget Veronica. Who here knows a spoiled, rich girl? The type who could buy and sell your ass, and she's just cute enough that you might let her. These are the shop 'till you drop, while dragging her very uninterested boyfriend behind her, type of girls.

Reggie is, of course, that jack-ass we all know. He's the coolest shit around and will not hesitate to let you know it. The brother in law, the friend of a friend. Nobody knows who invited him but he's there all the time and he's usually trying to sleep with your girlfriend.

Moose, Midge, Big Ethel, and the token black guy are all pretty familiar stereotypes as well. However, only one man approaches a zen like lifestyle and state of mind that truly calls to me.

I profess Jugheadism as my religion. I renounce any and all previous religious teachings, with vigour and aplomb.

Let's ponder this for a bit. Do you know any lanky, generally good natured fellows? The kind of guy who seems to get along with the majority of people he meets? These are the apostles of my new religion.

My Lord is also a man of vices. What those vices are, it seems to me, does not matter. My Lord is a cheeseburger man, and make no mistake, for anyone who will eat a dozen in a sitting, it is a vice. Or perhaps even a crutch. Perhaps my needle-nosed messiah is more fallible than I thought possible.

I prefer smokeable vices, be they tobacco related or slightly more illicit substances.

Is Jughead a ladies man? I think it is fair to say, most certainly not. Though he does appear to have an undeniable power over Ethel. Isn't that the way it goes? The dude who could be the best man of the bunch, draws only ungainly beast-women and fat old men who sell cheeseburgers? Sounds oddly familiar.

An odd charm is present in this hand drawn spiritual master though. All of the characters around him seem either comforted by his presence or confused, no doubt due to the divine inspiration which only he can understand. Is he a little hectic when avoiding Ethel? Certainly, but who wouldn't run from that gangly amazon?

Jughead also seems to live a comfortable life consisting of endless burger funds and good times, without being gainfully employed. Now this, is a man after my own heart.

I call upon all of you, the unconverted, to see the error of your ways and ask forgiveness of my new god. Address the problems in your life, remain calm and ask Pop Tate for a steaming (or smoking) heap of your favorite vice. Lean on that vice/crutch with everything you've got and try to look good in your crown hat!

This is the way of my lord.....Forsythe Pendleton "Jughead" Jones III.

Amen.

It Begins.

Phil Niekro was a baseball player, a pitcher to be precise. To be even more precise he was a knuckleballer, perhaps the best ever.

The knuckleball is magic. It's magic wrapped in uncertainty and distaste for the batters skills. It changes directions to put it very simply.

Now, some of you may be saying "most pitches change directions", which is true. However, the knuckleball does it several times, or at least appears to. When thrown well, it flutters and dances across the plate.

Trying to hit him is like trying to eat Jello with chopsticks. - Bobby Murcer 17 year major leaguer.

Not many pitchers throw the knuckleball any more. Most people know Boston pitcher Tim Wakefield, Robert Dickey is currently trying to land a gig with Minnesota. John Smoltz throws one on rare occasions and my White Sox had a guy named Charlie Haeger but I don't know where he's playing these days.

It's a disappearing art because it's not as sexy as a fastball. Everybody loves seeing a heater up in the other guys kitchen.

It giggles as it goes by. - Rick Monday, 18 year MLB player.

Today, I watched my first baseball of the year. Spring training games from Arizona and Florida, where the grass is green, the sun is hot and professionals play baseball in February.

The Mighty Arizona Diamondbacks vs. the dirty Cleveland Indians. Every team is mighty this early in the year but the Indians are dirty because they occupy the American League Central with my Sox. (usually the Indians occupy the bottom part of the division.HA!)

Aside from wanting to see a division rival lose, I had no real interest in the game. Yet I found myself transfixed. I could not stop. Both teams are rolling out guys who played in Balls Falls, Nebraska last year and I'm watching so intently, that my boss almost catches me.

This is the stranglehold the game has on me. I like watching guys aproach home plate, leisurely swinging their bat or adjusting their.......hat. I love noticing the infielders shift directions depending on the batter.

The sounds of baseball are the greatest sounds of any sport. The ball off the bat, or into the glove, or a shortstop calling to the leftfielder for the ball.

The Atlanta Braves have added a few new players this winter but one is more interesting than most.

Let me ask you this. Who wants a 3rd then 1st baseman who kicked around in the San Fransisco Giants organization? Nobody? Maybe? Oh.....I should probably let you know......he want's to throw knuckleballs for us.

Lance Niekro, nephew of Hall of Famer Phil, son of All Star and World Series winner Joe, is looking for a comeback.

VIVE LA BASEBALL!!