The Truest of Religions.

I have found my calling. I know the path I must take. To quote John Belushi, "YES! YES! Jesus tap-dancing Christ!!! I have seen the light!!!"

Some folks believe that you can't really seek out the purpose in your life, they feel it will find you. If this is the case, then I have been touched by the lord.........Jughead.

I've always believed you can categorize most people by what Archie character they resemble. You've got some good guys, who are whitebread to the max and and for some reason are incredibly popular. These are your Archies. You might not understand what eveyone else sees but god-damn, can that dirty ginger kid get down with Riverdales finest women.

Speaking of those finest women......tell me any low maintenance, stunning blonde in a baseball cap doesn't remind you of Betty. I dare you. That pretty, easy going gal who's just as happy on your ball team as she would be at the mall.

Of course, I couldn't forget Veronica. Who here knows a spoiled, rich girl? The type who could buy and sell your ass, and she's just cute enough that you might let her. These are the shop 'till you drop, while dragging her very uninterested boyfriend behind her, type of girls.

Reggie is, of course, that jack-ass we all know. He's the coolest shit around and will not hesitate to let you know it. The brother in law, the friend of a friend. Nobody knows who invited him but he's there all the time and he's usually trying to sleep with your girlfriend.

Moose, Midge, Big Ethel, and the token black guy are all pretty familiar stereotypes as well. However, only one man approaches a zen like lifestyle and state of mind that truly calls to me.

I profess Jugheadism as my religion. I renounce any and all previous religious teachings, with vigour and aplomb.

Let's ponder this for a bit. Do you know any lanky, generally good natured fellows? The kind of guy who seems to get along with the majority of people he meets? These are the apostles of my new religion.

My Lord is also a man of vices. What those vices are, it seems to me, does not matter. My Lord is a cheeseburger man, and make no mistake, for anyone who will eat a dozen in a sitting, it is a vice. Or perhaps even a crutch. Perhaps my needle-nosed messiah is more fallible than I thought possible.

I prefer smokeable vices, be they tobacco related or slightly more illicit substances.

Is Jughead a ladies man? I think it is fair to say, most certainly not. Though he does appear to have an undeniable power over Ethel. Isn't that the way it goes? The dude who could be the best man of the bunch, draws only ungainly beast-women and fat old men who sell cheeseburgers? Sounds oddly familiar.

An odd charm is present in this hand drawn spiritual master though. All of the characters around him seem either comforted by his presence or confused, no doubt due to the divine inspiration which only he can understand. Is he a little hectic when avoiding Ethel? Certainly, but who wouldn't run from that gangly amazon?

Jughead also seems to live a comfortable life consisting of endless burger funds and good times, without being gainfully employed. Now this, is a man after my own heart.

I call upon all of you, the unconverted, to see the error of your ways and ask forgiveness of my new god. Address the problems in your life, remain calm and ask Pop Tate for a steaming (or smoking) heap of your favorite vice. Lean on that vice/crutch with everything you've got and try to look good in your crown hat!

This is the way of my lord.....Forsythe Pendleton "Jughead" Jones III.

Amen.