Hello, my name is Joe Sixpack. I have a bit of a problem. You see, there are certain things I don't believe exist. Despite walking, talking proof they do, I refuse to believe or accept that these things are real. Some of them are intellectual disciplines, others are groups of people. We hear about them on the T.V. and see them in the movies, but I'm pretty sure it's all hollywood make believe.
Now if I don't believe something is real, in my infinite wisdom, I don't think any pseudo-commie, politburo lovin', Lenin kissing, public school teacher has the right to teach my kids about it or even mention its existence. If they're contradicting me about this stuff, what else are they making me look stupid over?
I will not have my kids indoctrinated to believe in scandinavian people for example. I know, I know, all you namby-pamby liberal arts school types are up in arms. "but one of my best friends is scandinavian?!" I don't care, I don't believe it's natural. Anyone who claims to be scandinavian, chooses that lifestyle. I refuse to let my children be told it's "ok" to be scandinavian. It is not, it's an abomination against gods will.
What if my kids turn scandinavian from talking about them? Then what? Are there scandinavians in the bible? Hell no. In fact I think it says we should stone their kind to death.
Any kid of mine that starts getting blonde hair or using that weird silent J, will be disowned.
And holy Jesus, don't even get me started on math. Specifically, long division. I get it, the alleged "scientific community" says it works and the math is good, but really, what do a bunch of nerds in labcoats, with calculators the size of my head know? It's not like they've dedicated their lives to ma.......oh wait....whatever, shut up.
They swear it works and gives good answers, but if I can't look at it and understand it in 30 seconds, it sounds a little shady to me. I'm an instinct guy, I go with my gut and when was the last time you saw a gut doing long division?
Did you see that movie with the ex-politician? The whole boring slideshow about long division? That shit is weak. Waaaaa whaaaaa!!! Whine, whine!! All the decimals are disappearing, the number of whole numbers is shrinking every day? boo frickin hoo. When did math ever help anyone?
Well I guess some of it's ok. You know, the math that makes my car work, and the stuff that makes medicine. Those keep me alive so they are obviously right. But never forget, those ideas that seem most reliable 99.99% of the time, are absolutely unreliable when it bothers me personally.
I'm not much for educating myself and possibly changing my mind about someting. I'm not a mind changer I'm a decisionizer, like the ex-president said.
How am I supposed to protect my kids from the scandinavian math-believer conspiracy? I know, I'll get a law passed. I want written notice, in advance, anytime scandinavians or long division are going to be discussed.
What exactly constitutes "being discussed"? I don't think that's really for me to say. It may change with my mood. Perhaps I'm feeling very litigious, when an unlucky teacher mentions a scandinavian brother/sister/cousin/friend/historical figure. BINGO! That's a human rights violation right there, and a possible payday! I'm being persecuted for my beliefs, just like the Jews! Cha-ching! Time to cash in!
Next thing you know they'll have a number tatooed on me.
Wait! I don't have to go through all the work of getting laws passed, I can just move to Alberta, Canada, where just such a law passed today, june 2nd 2009.......not 1909....2009.
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In Alberta, public schools mentioning homosexuality, evolution and who knows what else down the road, will be governed by the same laws as hate speach.
That's right, the discussion of scientific ideas and lifestyle is to be treated the same way as neo-nazi speaches preaching hatred and/or murder. Lord knows, that critical thought is akin to fascism. Fuck me, we're all doomed.
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