Not a Whole Hell of a Lot.

How Much is Your Life Worth?

I saw something in the papers today that I just had to do a little math on.

Recently a group of executives who formerly ran a company called Union Carbide were found guilty of negligence in what is one of the largest industrial accidents the world has seen. As many as 18,000 people were killed when the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal, India leaked a cloud of poison gas into the city.

Approximately 5,000 people died immediately. Anywhere from 15 - 25,000 have died since from effects of the leak.

Today, 25 years later, a court found a handful of the executives guilty of negligence causing death, a charge usually used in traffic accidents.

The worst penalties given to any single member of the group is a whopping 2 years in prison and a $2100 fine.

That's right, somewhere near 30,000 dead, 2 years and $2100 bucks.

Now this is where I wanted to do some math. If you know me, you know I'm math intollerant, so this decision did not come lightly.

I used 18,000 for a conservative number as far as the dead go.

So how much is a human life worth, if its end is embarassing to a major company who does big business in your country?

I mathed the shit out of it and this is what you are worth.

12 cents.

That's right, 12 whole cents. You can't even buy gum for that anymore. 12 fuckin' cents.

I can here some of you now though, "what about the prison time Rory? They're not totally getting off scott free are they?"

And you know what, you're right. There is 2 years of hard time in Indian prison on top of that 12 cents per person........only it's not 2 years per person......that's total.

Time for more math.....fuck.

So how much prison time does a fancy executive serve for cutting corners that kill your poor ass?

Again, using 18,000 as a conservative (SCOFF!) number of dead.

.06 of a day. Crap! More math.....I figure that works out to about an hour and 45 minutes.

Talk about your hard time.

So there you are. If you live somewhere that is willing to draw big business at almost any cost and you are poor and they murder your unlucky ass, they will pay through the nose...........a tiny nose that only lets out 12 cents and and hour and 45 minutes.

Oh, I should mention as well, Union Carbide was bought out eventually bought out by Dow, one of the largest chemical manufacturers in the U.S. They have refused, for 25 years to clean up the mess they purchased.

On the upside, that kind of stuff only happens in shady backwaters where there are no environmental laws and people are too dumb to realize how badly they're being F'd in the A. Good thing I live in Alberta.

Hibernation, "Sex Addiction", and the long crawl out of the den.

Well, this vicious bitch of a season we call winter has come and hopefully, for the love of all that is holy, gone.

I once again find myself looking much like a hibernating bear. Crawling out of my home after the long winter, skinny, weak, missing patches of hair and itching for all that spring brings with it. I do tend to hibernate a bit during the winter and here I come now, looking for food, mating and a land of plenty in which to sate myself.

Let the city of Edmonton beware.

"Sex Addiction"

The sports news was surprisingly non-athletic today. Tiger Woods, that saviour of the white mans whitest game, came out today and once again apologized profusely for his genetic imperative.

There was a term coined by George Carlin that I think is very useful in the world we live in today. That term is "pussification". The men of the world are being shaved, waxed, primped and emasculated at the speed of light these days.

All things that make a man look manly are out, while smoothness, painful almost obsessive attention to detail in grooming, and crying all the time, seem to be in.

3 men I can think of have come down with a case of what is being called "sex addiction" in the last year or two. Don't worry, I'm not here to bash what may or may not be a real medical or at least psychological issue that some folks have, there are after all, a lot less enjoyable and dumber things than sex that people are legitimately addicted to.

My prime case studies are 3 men who share a certain handful of qualities both personally and in their situations.

Michael Douglas, David Duchovny and now Tiger Woods.

All three of these men are infinitely more famous and wealthy than your average bear. I'm sure, though I can not provide footnotes or documentation, that all three have placed well on some kind of "sexiest man alive" poll, and last but not least, all three were married when they first .....disclosed their addictions.

Is anyone, ANYONE, really surprised that women throw themselves at these men and getting sex is easier than getting a chocolate bar? I can't see it being all that surprising.

Is anyone shocked that in the process of receiving hundreds if not thousands of sexual advances or straight up propositions, these men may have said yes a few times? I'm not saying I condone cheating on ones spouse or significant other, but if you live in what is essentially a sexual waterfall you're bound to get a little wet from time to time.

This to me, is not addiction. Is it bad form as far as having an existing relationship or family goes, certainly. Is it the same as selling your grandmothers corpse.......(dug up corpse none the less) .....to a lab in order to score some sweet sweet smack? I really don't think so.

Is it only the super wealthy and famous who suffer from sex addiction? I know plenty of virile young bucks who would gladly blow off previous appointments, spend their last nickel or endanger their lives for a crack at a girls crack. No one suggests they go to rehab......at least not for sex addiction.

And finally the most interesting part to me, all three of these hollywood and sporting superstars are married to some of the foxiest broads walking under the sun. The fact that Tea Leoni, above, is possibly the least attractive of the entire brood says all that needs to be said.

Unless all three of Tea Leoni, Ellen Nordegren and Catherine Zeta-Jones are the coldest fish in the sea, I simply don't understand. I believe there is a saying about going out for burger when there's steak at home, what about going out for Burger Baron burgers (eeewwww) when there is gold covered, exstacy filled steak at home.

Being married to any of those three seems to me like you've won the sex addiction lottery! "I need it baby, I'm addicted." Who wouldn't be addicted to sex if they were lucky enough to sucker one of these three into marriage?

It's like being addicted to cigarettes and then marrying a woman made completely of pure nicotine.

"So how was your day Mr. Douglas?"

"Well I had some breakfast and then watched one of the most beautiful women in the world march around the house in her underwear."

Tell me that shit wouldn't put sex on YOUR mind all day.

"What did you do with your long weekend David?"

"Took it easy, Tea spent yesterday lounging around the pool in her bikini........and now......for some reason........I just wanna put TAB A into SLOT B on anything that moves.................I think I'm addicted!"

Wanting to fuck all the time when the most visible woman in your life is dynamite with boobs, is not an addiction......it's common sense.

But back to pussification, (I think Mike Milbury used the word as well, but George Carlin is a magical wordsmith who used it first and Milbury is the guy who traded Roberto Luongo to draft Rick Dipietro and used the word at least a decade later).

I'm not about to stand here and extoll the virtues of manly sexual conquests, especially the really macho, cry it from the rooftops "look who I fucked" bullshit. But I'm also not going to say it's wrong and needs to be treated with therapy. Men have and will continue to fuck almost anything they can, regardless of intelligence, species or even position on the periodic table, sometimes at serious cost to their own life or lifestyle.

Those who can't keep it under wraps have trouble with control, not with addiction.

However the easiest way to buck responsibilty is to scream to the heavens....and press....."I have a problem! I'm addicted!"

According to the New York press, Derek Jeter behaves in much the same fashion, but no one calls for him to attend rehab. The only real difference being that he is not a married man.

Since when is the only difference between Don Juan and Junkie a wedding ring?

Peace out homeys, I'm gonna go score some junk.......(you know, like in her trunk).

Oh sweet Jesus.

Well, the leaves are changing or falling depending on your particular area, the weather is getting colder, the days are getting shorter and one thing is taking up a disproportionate amount of my time. It's the season of playoff baseball.

Some days in the last 2 weeks there was baseball on from 2:00 pm until sometimes as late as 11, there is great and intense competition on the big league fields. It's great and I love it.

The other night I was watching the Philadelphia Phillies trying to punch their ticket to the World Series. They did win and are now going to face either the Anaheim Angels or the New York Yankees. New York had a 3 games to 1 lead at the time.

I didn't think much about the possible match up I just enjoyed the end of the game. Then something happened. Toward the end of the game, the Phillies had a fairly comfortable lead and the crowd in Philly knew it. Out of the cheap seats it started to spill, until it flooded the whole stadium.

"Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!"

At first I just chuckled, because I too, think the Yankees suck. Then something occured to me. I just kind of mumbled it to myself.

"Oh sweet Jesus."

This is Philadelphia. A city baptized by the american revolution. A city of rabid, foaming, drunk sports fans. Opposing outfielders being targeted by groups of fans with laser pointers, language that would turn you white. In fact, a man was killed outside the stadium at one point this year....at least one point.

J.D. Drew was drafted with the #1 pick by the Phillies a while ago. After Drew demanded a rookie salary record 10 million bucks, the Phillies said no thanks and Drew went back into the draft the following year to be chosen and paid by the St. Louis Cardinals.

When the Cardinals went to Philadelphia the first time that year, Drew took his spot in right field. Fans from the town he had spurned greeted him by.......throwing D batteries at him.

This is the terrible storm the American League Champion will walk in to. I'm personally rooting for the Angels, but if it is indeed the Yankees........consider the possibilities.

Animosity is already building. It could be as long as a week before the first pitch of the World Series and already they're chanting for blood. Two major metropolitan centers on the east coast with nearly a century of sporting history.

One group, possibly the largest team fan base in north america and one of the few globaly recognized baseball brands. The other group........throw batteries and kill people.

There will be strikes and balls, great hits and greater catches and there just may be bloodshed. God damn I love playoff baseball.

"By the very definition." and "Hang the Politicians."

A lot of folks may look around the world and say to themselves, "why is everyone so angry?" I on the other hand, would rather ask why isn't everyone angrier.

Now maybe it's because I'm a bitter, angry, dick who can hold a hell of a grudge......but I don't think so. Look around you, watch the news, read a paper. Things are going to hell in a shitty looking, knock-off hand bag. And the people who are supposed to realize it, and stop it are pushing us along the path, singing, and stuffing their pockets with our money.

I understand, not all of you are as paranoid, bile filled and generally cranky as I am, but let me give you two examples. If these don't make you angry as a porn star at a eunuchs house, there is something seriously wrong.

THE VERY DEFINITION.

Terrorism -
1. The use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.

Now get a load of this.....well.....load.

http://www.rollingstone.com/nationalaffairs/index.php/2009/08/20/tom-ridge-comes-clean/

Tom Ridge, former head of Homeland Security (sounds a bit like Fatherland to me), has recently come out and said that some changes in the colour coded terror warning system were POLITICALLY MOTIVATED. That means no threat, or at least no change in threat level. That means, let's tweak these fuckers where it hurts and scare the shit out of them, because you and I both know, scared people vote Republican.

Now read the definition above one more time. What kind of country terrorizes its own citizens? How about the kind directly south of us. How about the kind of gov't our own Conservative folks are modelling themselves after.

I don't know how much more plainly I can put it. A nation that would terrify it's own people for political gains is not one I want having any dealings with my own gov't. This is petty, stong arm bullshit and it fills me with rageahol even though I don't live there.

Hang the Politicians.

Some of you, those who have seen my Facebook page anyway, might remember a little screed I ran off in May of last year. The Alberta conservatives had just voted themselves a whopping pay raise and I was......shall we say.....super fuckin' pissed. On the job less than a year and Ed Stelmach made himself the highest paid Premier in the country.

Now get this, there's no money in the province anymore. Ed and his little general Ron Liepert have been closing hospitals and long term care facilities around the province. His buddy Ron was at least nice enough to let everyone know what was wrong with Ralph Kleins idea to cripple public healthcare. He told people he was going to do it.

Close enough hospitals and people will start paying to have themselves fixed. I only praise the fact that Liepert was dumb enought to say it to a reporter as opposed to in a closed door meeting.

So lets keep count. Ed Stelmach can balance the books when it comes to grossly overpaying himself, but not to provide healthcare to his constituents. He also doesn't give two shits if we like it or not. He's closing them, and you're gonna pay through the nose to get any medical care. They've said this both with their actions and in plain old english.

Now the fun part, warning though, I'm gonna swear like a sailor at the end of this sentence, I don't like it, it makes me sound inarticulate (but the word inarticulate helps).

Fuck this fuckin' bullshit. They're gonna steal my money to line their own pockets, then tell me that, by the way, that publicly paid health care that everyone in the country is given (except us, citizens of the richest province in the land, we had to pay for it).....uh....you don't get it anymore.

Well, maybe you can have it, but you've gotta drive 6 days to get to the nearest public hospital......and that could be tough with a broken leg and lacerated spleen....oh well, thanks for voting conservative and go fuck yourselves. We'll be swimming in piles of your money, like the homo-hating, straw chewing, healthcare killing Scrooge McFucks we are.

Go to hell Alberta Conservatives, or just wait a few years.......maybe you'll bring it to all of us.

Don't tread on my.....ignorance?

Hello, my name is Joe Sixpack. I have a bit of a problem. You see, there are certain things I don't believe exist. Despite walking, talking proof they do, I refuse to believe or accept that these things are real. Some of them are intellectual disciplines, others are groups of people. We hear about them on the T.V. and see them in the movies, but I'm pretty sure it's all hollywood make believe.

Now if I don't believe something is real, in my infinite wisdom, I don't think any pseudo-commie, politburo lovin', Lenin kissing, public school teacher has the right to teach my kids about it or even mention its existence. If they're contradicting me about this stuff, what else are they making me look stupid over?

I will not have my kids indoctrinated to believe in scandinavian people for example. I know, I know, all you namby-pamby liberal arts school types are up in arms. "but one of my best friends is scandinavian?!" I don't care, I don't believe it's natural. Anyone who claims to be scandinavian, chooses that lifestyle. I refuse to let my children be told it's "ok" to be scandinavian. It is not, it's an abomination against gods will.

What if my kids turn scandinavian from talking about them? Then what? Are there scandinavians in the bible? Hell no. In fact I think it says we should stone their kind to death.

Any kid of mine that starts getting blonde hair or using that weird silent J, will be disowned.

And holy Jesus, don't even get me started on math. Specifically, long division. I get it, the alleged "scientific community" says it works and the math is good, but really, what do a bunch of nerds in labcoats, with calculators the size of my head know? It's not like they've dedicated their lives to ma.......oh wait....whatever, shut up.

They swear it works and gives good answers, but if I can't look at it and understand it in 30 seconds, it sounds a little shady to me. I'm an instinct guy, I go with my gut and when was the last time you saw a gut doing long division?

Did you see that movie with the ex-politician? The whole boring slideshow about long division? That shit is weak. Waaaaa whaaaaa!!! Whine, whine!! All the decimals are disappearing, the number of whole numbers is shrinking every day? boo frickin hoo. When did math ever help anyone?

Well I guess some of it's ok. You know, the math that makes my car work, and the stuff that makes medicine. Those keep me alive so they are obviously right. But never forget, those ideas that seem most reliable 99.99% of the time, are absolutely unreliable when it bothers me personally.

I'm not much for educating myself and possibly changing my mind about someting. I'm not a mind changer I'm a decisionizer, like the ex-president said.

How am I supposed to protect my kids from the scandinavian math-believer conspiracy? I know, I'll get a law passed. I want written notice, in advance, anytime scandinavians or long division are going to be discussed.

What exactly constitutes "being discussed"? I don't think that's really for me to say. It may change with my mood. Perhaps I'm feeling very litigious, when an unlucky teacher mentions a scandinavian brother/sister/cousin/friend/historical figure. BINGO! That's a human rights violation right there, and a possible payday! I'm being persecuted for my beliefs, just like the Jews! Cha-ching! Time to cash in!

Next thing you know they'll have a number tatooed on me.

Wait! I don't have to go through all the work of getting laws passed, I can just move to Alberta, Canada, where just such a law passed today, june 2nd 2009.......not 1909....2009.

**************************

In Alberta, public schools mentioning homosexuality, evolution and who knows what else down the road, will be governed by the same laws as hate speach.

That's right, the discussion of scientific ideas and lifestyle is to be treated the same way as neo-nazi speaches preaching hatred and/or murder. Lord knows, that critical thought is akin to fascism. Fuck me, we're all doomed.

A Quick Look at the Early MLB Season.

Well slap the taste right outta my mouth. The Blue Jays are the best team in the American League. I repeat, "the mother effin' Blue Jays, are the best team in the American League."

Will it last? Perhaps not.

Is it hilarious while it does? You better believe it.

AMERICAN LEAGUE

A.L East.

The shock of shocks this year, sees the lowly Toronto Blue Jays in the lead of the best division in all of baseball. In a division where both the Yankees and Red Sox outspend all the other teams combined, and where the Tampa Rays field one of the best young teams in the game, the written off Blue Jays are a game ahead of 2nd place Boston.

Nobody saw it coming, if they said they did, they're lying.

It's especially surprising if you look at the circumstances. The Jays were expected to be bouyed by there stellar starting pitchers. The bitch of it is this, most of those pitchers haven't really played at all this year. Dustin McGowan and Shaun Marcum, two of the teams top 3 pitchers haven't played a game. BJ Ryan, the well paid closer, has been in and out all year.

The kids, in the starting rotation, the bullpen as well as the everyday lineup have been carrying this team like a bagged lunch. Plus, you can't overestimate the effect of having your everyday second baseman back in the lineup. Aaron Hill has been a revelation after missing almost all of last year.

The Red Sox are good and getting better. Tampa can't possibly play as bad as they have been so far. The Yankees are ........well.....the yankees, overpaid and underachieving. It's sad when the thing your team has to most look forward to is the return of a 'roid popping, pitch tipper. A clown who threw his pitching staff under the bus in order to hopefully, HOPEFULLY, boost his own batting numbers.

And who can forget the perenially bad Baltimore Orioles.....the O's are.....yeah, just bad. Shock and awe.

A.L. Central

Now, after my little write up on the A.L. east, imagine I told you the Baltimore Orioles were in first place. This is the situation in the A.L. central. The constant doormat that is the Kansas City Royals manage to have put them self in 1st place.

The rest of the division is a mangled mess of teams with nearly .500 records. This mangled mess includes my Chicago Whitesox, the Detroit Tigers, and the Minnesota Twins. Of course the Cleveland Indians are firmly entrenched in the basement yet again. There's a reason the Indians were the team used to embody constant disappointment in the Major League movies.

Who comes out of this so-so division and makes the playoffs is a total toss up at this point. Quite literally, you could flip a coin. With the exception of Cleveland.

A.L West

On the subject of turn arounds and worst to first, we come to the A.L West and the resurgent Seattle Mariners. Having cut such dead weight at Richie Sexson last year, the Mariners are winning with a mix of kids playing beyond expectations and veterans finally playing up to them.

The biggest difference seems to be starting pitcher Eric Bedard. He's pulled himself off the scrap heap and is sporting a 2.61 ERA. Last season, 2.61 was the number of innings you could expect Bedard to last. My favorite story out of Seattle this year though, is the return of Ken Griffey Jr.
While he's not exactly mashing the ball, some players just look right in certain jerseys and Griffey in Mariners colours is the perfect example.

The Angels in Anaheim are not exactly sitting where they'd like to be. The runaway best team in the division last year is only sitting in third so far this year. While they should be able to make a run at some point it's still a little surprising to see them this low this early.

The Texas Rangers are a bad young team that is getting better. Again, pitching seems to be their downfall. They can mash but getting a starter to go more than 5 innings is a bit of a challenge. Ian Kinsler is making a run at best all around 2nd baseman in the A.L.

Oakland is in the basement in the west and it doesn't look like that'll change any time soon.

That's the american league in a nutshell. Next time, the senior circuit, the mighty National League, will recieve my probing gaze. Anyone else want to recieve a probing anything?? Hmmm??? Yeah, you do.

Children Instead of Pugilists.

This one might get Mossad after me.....or maybe I'll get a kick-ass fatwa against me. That would be kick-ass.

Diplomacy was once the arena of gentlemen. One could go into the diplomatic service with hopes of helping their country, perhaps even helping the world. Former aristocrats with ties all over the world used those ties and their considerable influence to shape the way nations interacted with each other.

Charles Maurice de Talleyrand, despite his many flaws, kept France from being torn apart and pillaged after Napoleons defeat at Waterloo. John Adams helped build the United States through diplomatic talks with European nations. He also had a hand in the Declaration of Independance and in convincing a number of the original British colonies to join the American revolution.

My oh my, how things have changed.

Instead of discussion, rebuttal and eventually resolving an issue, a new tactic of "I'm taking my ball and going home" seems to have taken over.

This week, the U.N. hosted a summit on racism. As a way of getting off to a bad start, the United States, Canada, Austria, New Zealand, Italy, Germany, Poland and the Netherlands all stated they would not attend. Their concern is that the summit would be dominated by unfair criticism of Israel and its policies toward Palestinians.

During a speech by Irans president, several more delegates left.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not here to defend the quite mad president of Iran. However,I've also got beef with some Israeli policies. That is not the point of this little rant though.

My argument is with those countries who were too sensitive or too weak stomached to sit through a propaganda speech by a a man who is essentially second in command in the country he's president of.

Since when is the best response to lies and fabrication, to give the man the floor and offer no response to his slinging of bullshit? Would you do that in your life? If someone was taking shots at your mother, would you leave the room and say nothing, or would you call them on it?

Screw that, the western world is taking their ball and going home.

I've got an idea why this kind of thing goes uncontested. Everyone's got dirty laundry and nobody wants it aired in public. Think about it. Does the U.S. really want to sit and have a frank discussion on racism in the world? Do you think everyone would just pass over that whole slavery thing? Would anybody mention how fun it is going through a western airport if you're brown or wearing a turban?

Not to pick on the U.S., there are plenty of other countries in the same boat. I wonder if anyone would mention the fact that Canadas first nations people have lower life expectancy and a greater level of poverty than other canadians? Hey, how about that Dutch MP Geert Wilders whose hobbies include making anti-islam hate films? Isn't that cute.

Someone's got to take the lead on this kind of thing. The Americans elected a black president for christs sake, but they can't stand up and mention that, because they're too afraid of getting a black mark from something else they've done. Nobody is willing to get into an honest discussion on the issue because there is not a country in the world that isn't guilty.

The word "hijacked" has been thrown around in reference to this summit and the pres. of Iran. Is it really a hijacking if the crew of the ship jumps overboard at the first sign of trouble? No it's abandonment.

The worlds leaders say they want to fight racism but they should know that in any fight, you're likely to take a few on the jaw before you win.

Take your lumps, then you can gloat like a champ if you win. Instead of only betting on a sure thing.